Street Fighter: The Ties That Blind
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: An incredibly stupid, humorous fic parodying the short movie, Street Fighter: The Ties That Bind. For best comprehension of my silly jokes and humor, read my other Street Fighter parodies first. Warning: This fic is really, really dumb. Prepare to laugh your butt off.
1. The Ties That Blind: Part 1

Street Fighter

The Ties That Blind

Part I

Deep within a thick rainforest, a wild beast roared, its animal call resounding through the jungle. A bright circle of colored light swept outward and expanded in the air, illuminating the forest with its brilliant aura. It flashed across the sky, arcing toward the stars as the creatures of the jungle reacted violently, screaming and thrashing about in the trees.

In a small, secret bunker located nearby, a team of soldiers was busy analyzing the strange light, studying computer displays of energy readings and heat spikes.

"Energy discharge confirmed," one soldier reported with a heavy Australian accent as he read from his computer screen.

"…That's what _she_ said," another put in from the back.

"…Well the credibility of this fanfiction lasted a good _thirty_ seconds at best," a third soldier sighed, sitting back in his chair.

"Sorry," the other answered, stifling a giggle. "I would have lasted longer but that 'discharge' comment was just _begging_ for it."

"Yeah, I walked right into that one." The first soldier shrugged his shoulders. "Still, longer than I thought."

"Again, that's what _she_-"

"Don't make me take you down under."

"Dude, we're _not_ even Australian," the annoying soldier argued. "Look it up. We're freaking BRITISH-"

"Okay ANYWAY," the first soldier went on, turning away to ignore him, "we've narrowed down the origin of the discharge to the Amazonian Basin-"

"Also known as my _underpants_-"

"The magnitude of this discharge seems significantly larger than the others-"

"Why, thank you-"

All of the other soldiers in the room suddenly whipped out pistols and trained them on the irritating soldier. He froze in place like a deer in headlights.

"We're only gonna say this _once_." One hissed out with menace. "STOP. IT."

The soldier gulped and nodded slowly. Only then did the others relax and holster their weapons.

"Alright," a soldier began, typing away at his computer station. "Here's an image taken from a satellite five hours ago." He pushed a button and everyone leaned in close to see.

"_EUUUUUGGGGH_!" The men all violently recoiled, gagging and making faces.

"Ah. Sorry. I was looking at some gay porn and forgot to close my browser first-"

"Good Lord, you're into that?"

"You're NOT?"

"Focus, boys!" A voice snapped from behind. Cammy, in all her pig-tailed glory, leaned against the far wall and glared at her men. "Now ain't the time to…wait a tic…" She broke off, frowning in confusion. "Since when am I bloomin' _Australian_?! Me voice was completely _normal_ in Street Fighter II!"

"Just be glad you're IN this one for more than two minutes!" A soldier snorted. Cammy blinked at him and considered her options.

"Croiky!" She burst out. "I parked me kangaroo out back-"

"I _told_ you," the same soldier tried again, "we're BRITISH-"

"Something is out there," Cammy went on over him, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Something sinister operating from the shadows…but who could it be… WHO?"

There was a short silence as everyone somberly mulled it over.

"Disney?" The soldier from the back piped up.

_**BLAM**_**!**

"To be fair, we DID warn him," a soldier said, smoking gun in hand.

"He shouldn't have talked shit about Mickey," another hissed, kicking the man's body.

"So, wait. Who do you think is responsible?" A third soldier asked curiously.

"Shadaloo, perhaps…" Cammy muttered under her breath. The soldiers all stared at her in confusion.

"Do…do you mean…ShadowLAW? Because I _think_ that's what you mean." The soldier frowned. "And what happened to your accent? You finally listened to the guy and turned British?" The soldiers chuckled and nudged one another.

"You're _all_ a bunch of _wankers_," Cammy sniffed, tossing her head and marching toward the exit. "Well, I'm off for tea with the queen and then a cricket match. Ta!" The door snapped closed behind her, the men frowning as one in the silence of her departure.

"…Still not as hot as Posh Spice," one commented.

"You got any more of that porn?" Another asked.

"Oh, DO I!" The other laughed, clicking away at his computer. Everyone leaned in again with morbid fascination.

"_EUUUUUUGH_!"

-Elsewhere-

Far away in a desolate, dirty town, Chun-Li, the Asian beauty with a license to kick your ass, stood in a small office building, questioning a lone police officer on duty. The man sadly shook his head and answered as best he could.

"Sorry, but the princess is in another castle."

Chun-Li stared at him with a dumbfounded expression.

"…Come again?"

"Sorry. Game humor." The police officer flushed and cleared his throat. "The guy you're looking for isn't here. Is there…something I should know about? Interpol visiting this small town, asking questions about…" The man trailed off, gaping at Chun-Li with sudden suspicion. "…Good Lord, are you even _wearing_ anything under there?"

Chun-Li was wearing a huge trench coat that reached to her knees.

"I…you…I should be going!" She hurried toward the exit with a flustered expression.

"Wait you didn't answer-"

Chun-Li slammed the door closed and walked over to a waiting car by the curb. Inside sat Guile, the American with a license to have retarded hair. He raised his head as Chun-Li got in beside him.

"Bad news," she told him with a sigh. "It was another dead end. We'll have to look elsewhere. Maybe we should go to…" She stopped, noticing Guile staring at her strangely. "…What?"

"…Good Lord, are you even _wearing_ anything under there?" He asked after a moment.

"Will you people STOP?!"

"I'm just saying," Guile protested, "you _look_ like a flasher." He paused. "Which isn't such a _bad_ thing-"

"Just drive the damn car!" Chun-Li barked, slamming her car door shut.

"…For me," Guile finished. Chun-Li glared at him and snatched up her cell-phone.

"What was your wife's phone number again?" She asked sweetly.

"Oh God no! Please don't!" Guile begged, shrinking away. "She'll revoke my sex privileges for a _year_!"

"Then CAN IT with the flasher remarks," Chun-Li growled, stuffing her phone back into her pocket. She sat back and regarded the man for a moment. "You're still not over Charlie, huh?" She asked in a soft voice.

"Of course not," Guile said, turning away. "He was my best friend, a loyal comrade, and a gentle lover-"

"Whoa whoa _WHOA_!" Chun-Li cut in, waving her arms about. "Time out time out TIME!" She sat back and gaped at Guile in disbelief. "I thought you were just _friends_ with Charlie."

"Well, yeah." Guile paused. "Friends have gay sex to Celine Dion every night, right?" He paused again. "I met Charlie the _last_ time my wife revoked my sex privileges."

"Gawd, this fic is just _spiraling_ downward," Chun-Li groaned and held her head.

"Uh, have you NOT read the other fanfics?" Guile asked matter-of-factly. "This is considered _normal_."

"NO, and I don't WANT to!"

"Well you should. They're _hilarious_." Guile stared at her. "You're a total sex-freak in the second one, and the first one you're pretty much a walking, talking camel-toe-"

"Can we PLEASE stay on topic?" Chun-Li sighed, attempting the reign the stupid in. Guile shrugged.

"Alright, fine." He cleared his throat and began. "So. Fighters from all over the world are disappearing. BAD. We're trying to find them. GOOD. We also don't know who's responsible for it. BAD."

"_I_ have a theory," Chun-Li murmured quietly. "…Shadaloo…"

Guile frowned at her, a perplexed expression on his usually flat face.

"B…bless…you?"

"It's the name of Bison's criminal organization, dumbass!"

"Oh." Guile blinked. "So what happened to 'Shadowlaw'?" Chun-Li just sighed again and shook her head.

"Too gay."

"Can't really argue with that. But hey, don't feel too bad about the camel-toe thing," Guile said, patting her shoulder and smiling. "In the second fic it's implied that I had a relationship with Bison!"

"_Pffft_, like that would _ever_ happen!" Chun-Li snorted and burst into laughter. Guile threw his head back and laughed along with her for a moment before slamming a foot onto the accelerator and peeling out, giving Chun-Li a nasty whip-lash.

-Even More Elsewhere-

In the far-off heart of a thriving city, a black helicopter took to the skies accompanied with sinister background music. Inside, a large, pale man stuffed into an expensive business suit lounged in a chair, speaking with a mustachioed scientist over a computer screen via Skype.

"Sir," the scientist was saying with all seriousness, "if we are to perfect our device, we need…_HIM_."

The pale man stared at him blankly, blinking several times through the silence.

"…Billy…Mayes?" He finally tried.

"Uh…actually I was talking about that fighter we're after," the scientist coughed awkwardly. "…Ryu?"

"…Can he also be charmingly enthusiastic and wonderfully informative at the same time?" The pale man asked after a moment.

"Sir, we're after him for his fighting technique, NOT his entrepreneurial skills."

"Then who the HELL is gonna pitch our new product?!" The pale man snapped testily. "It'll be a cold day in hell when I let that Sham-Wow butthole do it!"

"That's what I'm getting to, sir," the scientist went on. "See, this Ryu, he possesses a strange power within him, called the Satsui-no-Hadou. With it, he can-"

"Deliver a mind-blowing sales pitch?!" The pale man cut in, gasping with delight. "Genius, man! Genius!" He pointed at the man on screen and yelled over his shoulder. "Someone double his salary!"

"You don't pay me in cash, sir," the scientist said in a small voice. "You pay me in minutes you allow me to live."

"Well then _you_, good sir, have just earned yourself FIVE whole minutes. Great job!"

"Sir wait that isn't what I-"

The pale man hung up the call and swiveled away on his chair, rubbing his hands together evilly.

"Hmmm…yes…the Satsui-no-Hadou…what a wonderful jingle!" He chuckled and began to hum to himself. "_Satsui-no-Hadou, the murderous intent! Like a psycho killer lives inside you paying rent!"_

-Somewhere With Snow-

In a desolate, frozen wasteland, Ryu, the fighter in question, stood up to his knees in the snow, training fiercely. His eyes were closed and he stood stock still, ignoring the bone-chilling winds and driving sleet. He was focused, determined, disciplined-

"Gah-CHOO!" Ryu sneezed explosively, the snot instantly freezing in the air with a crackle. The muscular fighter rubbed his arms and shivered. "Freezin' my _nards_ off…"

Okay he's just frozen in place nevermind.

Suddenly a montage began to play as the opening credits rolled, Ryu and his best friend Ken Masters trading blows and dodging punches in a darkened arena. The two sparred, Ryu throwing a high-kick, Ken suddenly lunging at Ryu and attempting an open-mouth kiss before getting shoved back-

"_Hey_!" Ken whirled around and glared at the camera. "I thought you said I was gonna be straight in this one!"

I tried. I really did. But then you started talking and I just couldn't help it.

"Oh well." Ken shrugged. "If you got it, flaunt it!" He followed up with a z-snap and head-bob while Ryu rolled his eyes from behind.

"I hate you," he stated.

Hey, if you read the other fanfics, you'd understand.

"Enough with the other fanfics!" Ryu snapped. "No-one wants to read them!"

"_I_ thought they were pretty good," Ken put in. "I was FABULOUS in the second one-"

"GOD just WRITE so we can hurry and end this!"

-In the City-

In a sprawling metropolis with glittering sky-scrapers, Ken Masters rode a glass elevator while his attractive secretary stood beside him, reading his schedule aloud.

"At ten you have a board meeting, at twelve you're scheduled for a hair appointment, and at 2:30 you and Tyra Banks are going to…" She broke off, staring down at the floor of the elevator. "…Are you alright, sir?"

Ken was curled up in a fetal position, furiously sucking his thumb.

"…I'm scared of heights," he whimpered out, the whites of his eyes visible. "I think I peed a little." The secretary sighed and took out a pen.

"Dry…cleaning…" She added to the list.

Finally the elevator reached the top floor and Ken was rolled by his secretary as she hurried off to find some Febreeze. Standing up and adjusting his tie, Ken started toward his office but was immediately blocked by a tall, slim woman in extravagant clothing and sporting an even more extravagant hair-do, which was a brilliant crimson and braided down to her knees. Seriously.

"I'm sure you're busy, Mr. Masters," she began in a rush, "but I-"

"How on earth do those glasses stay UP?" Ken wondered aloud, gaping at the woman's odd sunglasses, which seemed to float upon her face. "And where can I buy a pair?"

"_I'm_ the one asking the questions-" The woman cut in hotly.

Ken held up a thick wad of cash.

"Right here!" The woman whipped off her glasses and tossed them to Ken in exchange for the money. "Four hundred…five hundred- no wait!" She stuffed the money into her wallet and faced Ken once more. "I'm Maya, a freelance journalist, and I'd like to ask you-"

Ken, meanwhile, was staring at Maya with an expression of horrified fascination, his eyes wide and disturbed.

"Good LORD," he interrupted, aghast, "it's like the dubbing crew didn't even CARE!"

"…Wait, what-"

"I mean, _seriously_, there were times when your mouth was CLOSED and you kept on talking and then sometimes it keeps moving and there's no sound! What the hell was the BUDGET for this crapfest?!"

"It came free with the game."

"Oh well that explains it."

"Anyway!" Maya pulled out a small tape recorder and leaned in close. "Ken Masters, I'd like to hear your opinion on the _sky-rocketing_ price of hair-gel." She paused, eyeing his suspiciously. "It's not because _you're_ using it all, is it?"

Ken stared back at her with a carefully blank expression.

"No comment." He frowned in consternation. "…Hey. Wait a second. I'M doing the lip-delay too! _AUUUUUGGGHH_!" He ran shrieking down the hall and fled into his office. A couple seconds later he poked his head back out. "Hold all my calls."

Later that day, Ken sat in his office room, distracted from his work. On the desk next to him was a framed picture of his wife, Eliza, with a cut-out of Ryu's face pasted atop her body. Ken sighed and stared out the window, his mind on other things.

"Ryu…" he murmured quietly. "What are you up to these days? Still denying your feelings for me? I wonder how you're holding out against the Satsui-no-Hadou." He quieted for a moment. "Maybe the _evil_ you would be interested."

"Sir, are you touching yourself again?" The secretary's voice cut in over the intercom. Ken jumped and smacked the button on the machine in front of him.

"NO!"

"I ruined it, didn't I-"

"I said NO!" Ken let out a tired groan and rubbed his eyes. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, then hit the button on the intercom again. "It's me. About today's schedule…squeeze in as much as you can. I'm ready to _work_."

A long, thoughtful pause followed.

"Ohh GOD that sounded so sexy." Ken gasped aloud. "That would make a _great_ pick-up line! Quick, I need to write it down before I forget! Pen, pen…" He began pulling open drawers and tossing out documents in his desperate search. "Where's a damn pen?! Bitch, write it down! What do I _pay_ you for?!"

-Back in the Jungle-

Back in the jungle, Cammy and her Australian-sounding British soldiers were busy investigating the cause of the energy disturbance. Around the team, dead macaws hung from the trees and a huge crop-circle had leveled a part of the forest.

"WHOA! A crop circle?!" Cammy stood on the flattened trees and gaped in horror. "No-one said anything about _aliens_ when I signed up for this shit! Fuck this, I'm OUT!" She turned and tried to make a mad dash for the trees but her men tackled and forcibly pinned her down.

"Calm down, Cap!" A soldier pleaded, holding her legs. "It's probably cute lil' E.T.! He just wants to go home!"

"Screw that!" Cammy snarled as she struggled in their clutches. "Those sick alien fuckers probably want to anally probe us! Go home in our ANUS! Well not on MY watch!"

"Uh, I think this is actually Shadaloo's doing," another soldier commented, glancing around at the surrounding carnage. Cammy glared at the man suspiciously.

"…Shadaloo are aliens?"

"No. They're human."

"Oh." She relaxed.

"Though they ARE pretty gay so they'll probably want to anally probe us, too." The soldier paused. "The men, anyway."

"GOD, how can this get ANY worse!" Cammy wailed.

"Hey, guys, just thought you should know," a soldier with a dirty shovel began innocently, "but right now we are standing on a MOUNTAIN of buried bodies."

There was a long, horrified pause as everyone froze in their tracks and stared at the man.

"…So be sure to wipe your feet REAL GOOD when we get back on base-"

Cammy threw back her head and screamed as loud as she could.

"_AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGH_!"

-With Ryu-

Ryu, meanwhile, was still engrossed in his unorthodox style of training by doing nothing at all. Now he lay on his back on one of the many dunes of a desert amidst a raging storm, the stinging sands whistling through the air overhead. A sinister voice whispered threats into his ear, taunting and merciless.

"How long must you continue to resist, _boy_?" The deep voice mocked. "Why do you resist the power within you? What is it that you seek? You have no answer! You-"

"Uh, Akooma," Ryu suddenly interrupted. "Sorry, but…can you wrap this up? I don't have anytime minutes and the overage fees are pretty steep."

He was on a cell-phone.

There was a long, silent pause from the other line.

"Oh. Sorry. How rude of me. I didn't realize…" Akuma cleared his throat. "Uh, well, answer the call of the Satsui-no-Hadou, become all evil n' shit and kill everyone you love. Oh, and call me more often. I'm lonely. Kay?"

"Yeah alright."

"Okay." Akuma paused again. "_Kill you later_."

The line went dead with a dull *_click_*. Ryu flipped his phone closed and stared at it with the deepest confusion.

"…How did he get my number in the first place?" He muttered to himself. "Eh, better him than Ken." He put the phone away and leaned back against the sands of the desert, his mind wandering to the distant past. "My earliest memories are of Master Gouken and Goutetsu. I remember Akooma training with them. He was so strong. Then, one day, he _murdered_ Master Gouken. I _must_ defeat Akooma, then I can finally-"

Okay you might wanna try to stop mispronouncing the man's name first. Seriously. Say it with me now. AH-kuma, NOT ah-KOO-ma. Go on.

Ryu frowned and tried.

"A…kilimunjaro?"

…Forget it.

"What can I do?" Ryu wondered aloud, ignoring the annoyed author. "I can't find my true purpose. Keeping my urges under control takes all the power I can muster! I don't know how long I can resist…KEN!"

-_Please note that this is actual dialogue from the film_.-

Oh dear God. That can only mean…HE'S TURNING GAY.

-With Eliza-

Meanwhile, Eliza, Ken's lovely but incredibly unfortunate wife/beard, was wandering about a large store, gawking amongst the shelves at packs of diapers and baby toys.

"Stupid Ken, making me shop alone," she sighed, grabbing a pack of diapers. "I suppose I'll get some for the baby, too." She grabbed another pack and pulled it from the shelf. Immediately a head popped out through the opening, making Eliza jump and give a little squeak.

"Hi, I _haven't_ been following you all day," Maya said with an innocent smile. "How'd you like to go get some coffee for no apparent reason, just us girls?"

"Of course I would, extravagantly-dressed stranger!" Eliza gushed with delight. "I trust you immediately! Here's my credit-card information and social-security number while I'm at it!"

"…I think we're gonna be _great_ friends," Maya grinned and pocketed the card. "Now where would you like to- oh shit hold on I think I'm stuck-"

-Aaaand Back To Guile and Chun-Li-

Guile and Chun-Li were still busy searching for the missing fighters, riding their car up what looked to be a mother-fuckin' MOUNTAIN. Seriously. That car's got to be all-wheel drive for sure.

"Cammy gave me a call," Guile said to Chun-Li as he drove. "She found the missing fighters we were searching for."

"Really? That's great!" Chun-Li gasped happily and clapped her hands.

"They were found dead, buried together in a shallow grave in the middle of the jungle."

"…You ruin everything."

"Cammy seems to believe Shadaloo to be responsible."

"You sure it wasn't spring break?" Chun-Li asked after a moment.

"Yeah, pretty sure." Guile nodded and ran a hand through his hair (or rather, tried to). "Cammy insisted it was Shadaloo. Though she _was_ rambling on about them being aliens and probing her-"

"Are we in the freaking _Himalaya's_?!" Chun-Li cut in with a frown, finally seeming to notice the surrounding snowy peaks.

"Shut up, bitch!" Guile snapped back as he gripped the wheel. "Don't tell me how to drive!"

"I swear to God that's Everest over there-"

"I told you, it's a short cut! Don't make me stop this car!"

-And Speak of the Devil-

Cammy stared out the window with a grim expression as the helicopter took off, lifting her up into the sky. Her phone trilled in her pocket and she was quick to answer, raising her voice to be heard over the sound of the copter's engines.

"Yes?"

"Hey, Cap!" One of her soldiers greeted from the other line. "We analyzed all those dead bodies from before-" (Cammy couldn't suppress a shudder) "-and for some reason, all of their cells seem to have _exploded_! It makes absolutely no sense!"

"It makes PERFECT sense!" Cammy barked into the phone, her eyes widening in realization. "What have I been telling you?! They're _aliens_-"

"Cap, I think you need to give that a rest-"

Cammy snapped her phone closed and hung up on the man, a look of horror on her face.

"…My GOD he's one of them…" She whispered in a tiny voice.

-Back With Eliza AGAIN-

Eliza was back at home, bustling about the Masters' sprawling mansion cheerfully. She stood before the living room's large mantle and carefully placed a small child's doll atop the ledge, smiling as she adjusted it into position.

"Uh, Ma'am?" A maid pointed out nervously from behind her. "I think there's something a little…_strange_ with that doll."

"Whatever do you mean?" Eliza asked innocently. "My BFF Maya who I've known since TODAY gave it to me!"

"…Ma'am, it's head is a freakin' CAMERA."

"_I_ think it's adorable." Eliza's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Another word and I'll dock you pay."

"You pay me in your old high-heels."

"Don't you back-talk me!"

*_Smack_!*

Standing on the curb outside, Maya winced at the sound of the slap, holding the listening device close to her ear as she eavesdropped in on the Masters' mansion. The doll was a perfect plant and would easily allow her to spy on the family. She smiled to herself with smug satisfaction, proud to have-

Suddenly Maya froze, sensing a threatening presence from behind. With a sharp cry, she whirled in place, flinging out a fist to strike-

"My hip!"

An old lady with a walker.

"And that was my new one, too!" The old woman gazed up at Maya pitifully. "_Whyyyy_?"

"Oh God! I am SO sorry!" Maya crouched down beside the woman and began helping her back up. "I thought you were an assassin or someone sent to kill me-"

"Oh, but I AM!" The old lady chuckled evilly and pulled out a gun from her beaded purse.

*_Snap_*!

"…Well there goes my wrist." The old woman blinked watery eyes from behind her thick glasses. "Goodness, this is heavy. Could you help me, young lady?"

Maya stared at the woman in blank confusion.

"You want me to help you…_shoot_ me?"

"Yes." The old woman paused. "I'll give you a quarter."

"A quarter? Hot damn! Sure, I'll- wait NO!"

-Several Minutes Later-

Maya was on the phone, having a heated argument with her employer while the old lady tottered away with her walker.

"What the hell?! Why did you send someone after me? What is she, your _grandmother_?! You should have a little more faith in me! You know I'll get the job done!" She stopped and forced herself to take a deep, calming breath. "Listen, my research methods are highly sophisticated and ultimately successful, I _know_ what I'm doing!"

"Maya," the pale man from before growled through the phone, "I am paying you to find Ryu, NOT Ken Masters. I want you to find him as soon as possible. He is crucial for our plan. Have I made myself clear?"

There was a long, drawn-out pause from Maya.

"Ryu is a MAN?!"

-End Part I-


	2. The Ties That Blind: Part 2

Street Fighter

The Ties That Blind

Part II

Ryu was hopelessly lost. The surrounding terrain was empty and desolate, devoid of any life. He slumped before a stagnant pool of murky water and stared down at his hollow-eyed reflection.

"…Oh GOD I look terrible," he whispered to himself in disgust. "My face is SO thin, my skin is dehydrated and my hair _totally_ needs conditioning- NO! M…must… _fight_ it!" Ryu struggled mightily to contain the encroaching power of the Satsui-no-Hadou that threatened to turn him into a raging homosexual. He gurgled noisily for a moment, then collapsed into the pool. Slowly, a shaking hand raised and began to weakly wash his hair as he sobbed.

Several minutes later, a skinny, bedraggled wolf approached, sniffing at Ryu's prone form. The fighter cracked open an eye and stared at the beast in wonder.

"Oh…I could turn you…into the _cutest_ pair of slippers…" Ryu let out a little whimper. "…_Help me_…" Then he lapsed mercifully into unconsciousness.

An hour or two later, he awoke to find the wolf laying beside him, dead. Ryu slowly got to his feet and gave the fallen beast one final glance before turning away and walking into the sunset.

"_It's the ciiiiiircle of liiiiife_!" He sang aloud. "_And it mooooves us alllll_-"

-Meanwhile-

Guile and Chun-Li, meanwhile, were finally onto something. Having located a very suspicious-looking castle in the hills, the pair infiltrated the fortress and began creeping along dark corridors in search of any evidence of Shadaloo activity.

"Yes, it _looks_ like an ordinary ruined castle at first glance," Guile muttered to himself, slinking along the wall, "if it weren't for the ROBOT GUARDS."

"Robo-_what_? Guile, what're you-" Chun-Li turned to find Guile holding a guard by the neck, about to rip his head clean off. "_OHMIGOSH STOP HE'S HUMAN_."

Guile reluctantly dropped the man and the two continued on. Suddenly ambushed by some guards, Chun-Li quickly whipped open her large trench-coat and flashed them, using the distraction to easily knock the drooling men out.

"What the- I KNEW IT!" Guile cried triumphantly.

"Shut up!" Chun-Li growled as she fastened the belt of the trench-coat. "It worked, didn't it?"

After a short, hushed argument and the agreement to at least wear panties (Chun-Li, not Guile, though he secretly wanted to), they resumed their search along the dank hallways. Guile stopped at a door and peeked in through the window, gasping sharply at the sight inside.

"What?! What is it?!" Chun-Li demanded to know. "Did you find the-"

"They have a vending machine in there!"

"Do NOT have the time."

"But they have twinkies!" Guile pressed his face against the glass and whimpered before Chun-Li grabbed him by the collar and hauled him away. He glanced into another door's window and gasped again.

"What is it _this_ time?!" Chun-Li snapped impatiently. "A slurpee machine?!"

"Naw, just one of the missing fighters." Guile scowled. "Boo~ooring!" He turned to leave but Chun-Li seized him by the back of the neck and slammed his forehead into the door, busting the hinges and knocking it to the ground.

"…I think I hurt the _door_," Guile stated, his head none the worse for wear. Chun-Li ignored him and rushed past to subdue the small team of scientists working inside. Once they were out of commission, she turned to find Guile already had his hands on one of their heads.

"_DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP_-"

"I just wanna make sure!"

"They're human! I'm sure!" Chun-Li sighed and crouched over one of the many computer terminals, plugging in a small electronic device and hitting some buttons.

"Checking your email?" Guile asked after a moment.

"No! I'm doing something very important here."

"…Updating your status on Facebook?"

"NO! Will you…I need to concentrate, Guile!" Chun-Li shooed him away. Guile muttered grumpily to himself and wandered around the room, stopping in front of the expired fighter's experimentation tank and doodling on the glass with a marker. "…Does that say 'Guile and Bison 4 ever'?" Chun-Li asked over her shoulder.

"It says 'Guile and Bison 4 NEVER'," Guile grumbled, hurriedly smearing the words. His angry glare flew about the room as he scowled in confusion. "What IS this place, anyway? It looks like a lab. But what were they researching?" He paused awkwardly. "You…you don't think…Cammy was _right_ about the aliens wanting to probe-"

"Oh, please!" Chun-Li scoffed, still intent on the computer screen. "Don't be _ridiculous_-"

Suddenly Cammy rolled into the room through the open door, whipping out a gun and aiming it at the Asian beauty.

"Get down! She's one of them, too!" She cried.

"Cammy no!" Guile tackled the girl and smacked the gun away.

"No! She's got you, too!" Cammy sobbed as she struggled, then glared balefully at the man. "Though I suppose you'll _enjoy_ the anal probes."

"I will N- probably."

-Later-

Later that day, Guile and Chun-Li retreated from the ruined castle and regrouped back at their hotel room, strapping Cammy to a chair while they huddled in front of a laptop, analyzing the data they'd managed to steal.

"Alright, so what'd we get?" Guile asked, squinting at the unintelligible script of computer code that filled the screen.

"It was a great haul!" Chun-Li grinned happily. "I copied _all_ their iTunes onto my iPod! They had a ton of cool music that I didn't-"

"Did you get any Taylor Swift?"

"…Guile." Chun-Li stared at him blankly. "…It was a joke."

"Well then we are never ever EVER getting back together!" Guile huffed at her. "Just tell me what's going on!"

"ALIENS-" Cammy began from the back.

"_Shh_!" Guile whipped a pillow at her.

"Here's something." Chun-Li studied the script and read aloud. "BLECE…it stands for 'Boiling Liquid Expanding Cell Explosion'."

"Dude. That is _SAF_," Guile responded with a snort.

"…What does that stand-"

"Stupid As _Fuh_-"

"Okay, so they aren't very imaginative!" Chun-Li cut him off and shook her head at the rest of the medical jargon in the rest of the data. "I'm no scientist, all this stuff is way over my head."

"…You sure it's not just because you're a woman?" Guile asked bluntly. Chun-

Li socked him in the nuts without turning.

"Don't make me turn YOU into one."

"Too late!" Cammy called.

"Ooh, _snap_! Good one, sister!" Chun-Li laughed and clicked on one of the stolen documents. An image popped up and suddenly her screen was filled with a nude photo of Ryu.

"Damn, girl! Warn me before you start looking at gay porn!" Guile cried aloud. "…I might wanna see, too."

"No, stupid!" Chun-Li shoved him back. "Don't you get it? Shadaloo is targeting Ryu! They're _after_ him!"

"Damn his _rockin'_ ass-"

"They want him for the Satsui-no-Hadou!"

"Not my first choice." Guile carefully cleared his throat. "Okay, now that we know he's their next target, we should put him under twenty-four hour surveillance." He paused. "I nominate _myself_-"

"Did you wife revoke your sex privileges again?" Chun-Li asked suspiciously.

"Ye- NO." Guile glared at her.

"Look, we don't even know _where_ Ryu is," Chun-Li explained. "The only person who could possibly know is Ken, and _that's_ because he's borderline psychotic."

"And _almost_ as beautiful as Ryu-"

"OmiGod ENOUGH let's GO!" Chun-Li stood and dragged the squawking man out of the room before he could say another word.

"_Oi_! You wankers forgot about me!" Cammy yelled after them, still tied to the chair.

"We can strap her to the top of the car," Guile suggested as they hustled back into the room. Cammy swore. "Hey, it's that or the trunk, sweetheart."

-With Ken (Prepare For Dumb)-

Ken Masters, after a long day at work fantasizing about Ryu and creating a Lego fortress, had finally returned home for some much-needed relaxation. He sat on his wide, expensive couch, watching figure-skating on his flat-screen television. Eliza cautiously approached her husband, looking strangely nervous.

"Ken…can we talk?" She asked in a soft voice. Ken stared at her blankly for several long seconds before responding.

"…Can't I just buy you shoes?"

"No, Ken." She shook her head. "This is important." Ken chewed on a lip.

"TWO pairs of-"

"NO! Ken…" Eliza took a deep breath to calm herself and plowed ahead. "When I first met you…you used to be so laid back. You were always smiling. But… you've _changed_."

"Bitch, I _told_ you I liked men when I married you-"

"It's as if you're trying to chase someone out of your heart!" Eliza went on, growing more emotional. "Please, Ken! Tell me what's going on!"

Ken's blank stare was back again, then suddenly he blinked and snapped back to attention.

"What?" He asked gently. "I'm sorry, baby, I was imagining Ryu naked and gyrating _right_ where you're standing."

"You're not the man I _pretended_ to fall in love with!" Eliza cried before bursting into tears. Ken quickly got up and gave his wife a loving hug, comforting her with soft words.

"Baby, listen, I-"

*_Ding-dong_!*

"Oh thank GOD a distraction!" He cried, throwing Eliza onto the couch and rushing off to answer the door. "If you're a man I WILL kiss you-" He was saying as he yanked open the door.

Sakura, the Japanese jail-bait, stood there, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey, Ken-san!" She said, waving cheerfully.

"…Did you SWIM all the way from Japan?!" Ken burst out in confusion, gaping at the girl's sudden appearance. "What the hell are you _doing_ here?!" Then he noticed the multiple bodies collapsed on the grounds outside. "And why did you beat up my guards?!"

"It's the proper Japanese greeting!" Sakura answered matter-of-factly, then promptly slugged him in the gut. "Great to see you again!"

"Ken, what is going ON out-" Eliza stopped short in the entrance hall and stared at Sakura in shock.

"Uh…I can explain," Ken began weakly.

"I can't believe I _pretended_ to fall in love with a _pedophile_!" Eliza wailed, running back into the house. "Who ARE you?!"

"_Hey_!" Ken yelled after her. "If she was a little boy, maybe, but she's not, and that's just GROSS!"

After a short explanation from Sakura and a quick check on the local sex-crime website, the Japanese girl was allowed inside and immediately began to devour all of the Masters' food. Ken and Eliza gaped at the girl as she plowed through the fridge like a bottomless pit, wolfing down whatever she could get her hands on.

"…Call animal control," Ken whispered to his wife.

"She's a Japanese teenager," Eliza hissed back.

"EXACTLY, now call animal-"

"KEN!"

"This food is great, Ken-san!" Sakura chirruped as she swallowed a turkey-leg whole and licked her fingers clean. "This place is pretty sweet too, Ken-san!"

"Saying 'san' doesn't make you Japanese!" Ken snapped irritably.

"Ah! I'm sorry-san!"

"Okay now you're not even _using_ it correctly!" Ken breathed a deep sigh and shook his head as he collapsed onto the couch, Sakura sitting down across from him. "So, what do you want? I'm NOT buying any girl-scout cookies, they go STRAIGHT to my hips. You can ask Eliza, she doesn't seem to _care_-"

"Hey!"

"Please, tell me where Ryu-san is!" Sakura begged, her tone desperate.

"I don't know!" Ken sighed, sitting back in his chair. "You'd think his _stalker_ would know-"

"That's why I'm asking you-"

"I meant YOU ya dumb whore!" Ken suddenly paused. "So, wait. Why DO you need to see him all of a sudden?" His eyes narrowed at a sneaking suspicion. "…I swear to God if you say you're pregnant with his kid I WILL kill you."

Somewhere in the house, the phone rang.

"Go answer the phone, Eliza," Ken said in a calm voice, eyes glued on Sakura.

"But Ken-"

"ANSWER it, bitch!"

Eliza hurried off into the house and answered the phone, returning with it in hand and a confused expression on her face.

"It's a sexy-sounding woman named Chun-Li _begging_ for you," she said to Ken, frowning. "Why am I not in the _least_ bit concerned?"

Ken quickly snatched the phone from her and put it to his ear.

"Hey, Camel-Toe!" He laughed into the receiver. "Long time no eff! What's up- wait, _what_? _Here_? Right NOW? You NEED me?"

"…_Still_ not concerned." Eliza's frown deepened. "What is _wrong_ with me?"

Ken hung up the phone and tossed it back to Eliza, who blinked.

"What was that about?" She asked curiously.

"Hell if _I_ know!" Ken snorted.

"Ken-san, have you heard about the disappearances?" Sakura asked, leaning toward him. "Fighters from all over the world are being kidnapped and-" She stopped mid-sentence, staring at Ken in horror. "…Oh GOD _you're_ not the one doing it, are you?"

"Are the fighters hot?" Ken asked, brows raised. Sakura blinked.

"Well, no-"

"Then we're good." He paused and smiled innocently. "_Continue_."

-At That Moment, With Ryu-

Ryu, meanwhile, had finally reached civilization and sat at the dirty bar of a crowded diner, nursing a drink. A burly truck driver approached, raising his eyebrows and whistling appreciatively at the well-toned man.

"Whoo-_wee_! What've we got here?" He leered at Ryu and adjusted his shades. "You're a purdy little thang, ain'tcha? How about it, hun? Want a RIDE?"

Ryu stared back at the man in undisguised horror, eyes wide and disturbed.

"…Oh GOD I'm actually _considering_ it! I need HELP!" He hurriedly gulped down the rest of his drink, put a couple dollars bills in the tip jar, and bolted for the exit.

-Back With Ken-

"No-one knows what happens to the victims or where they're taken," Sakura was saying in a low voice, her pale face standing out as shadows crept around the room. "The disappearances started last year. All strong fighters from around the world-"

"Sakura."

"…Yes?"

"Turn off the G.D. flashlight."

"Oh. Sorry." Sakura clicked off the flashlight and put it on the ground. "Just trying to set the mood."

"Dammit!" Ken cursed, gritting his teeth angrily. "Why haven't I heard about this?!"

"Top Model was on," Eliza said beside him.

"Oh yeah right. That's why." Ken pursed his lips. "Damn you Tyra, you sexy _bitch_!" Then he blinked. "Oh hey! That must be what Chun-Li was talking about on the phone. I couldn't really hear her over my own thoughts of Ryu and someone shouting about aliens." He paused, considering. "I thought I heard something about anal probes but that was probably just me."

"That's why I'm worried about Ryu-san!" Sakura pressed, on the verge of panic. "I don't know where he is or what he's doing or if he's in danger! It's driving me _crazy_!"

Ken suddenly seized the girl by the front of her shirt and hauled her close, eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Alright, _bitch_," he hissed out. "Let's get one thing straight. HE'S. MINE."

"You're scaring me-san," Sakura whispered in a small voice.

"Stop. Saying. SAN."

The phone rang again.

"PHONE!" Ken bellowed, not taking his eyes off of Sakura. Eliza sighed and went to answer it.

"It's Ryu," she said, returning and holding out the phone. Ken gaped at her with a pure murderous expression.

"I swear to GOD if you're playing with me again I will set fire to _all_ your shoes." He paused for emphasis. "_And_ your hair."

"No, Ken, it really is-"

Ken violently socked the woman in the jaw and snatched the phone out of the air as she tumbled backwards onto the couch.

"BAY-BEE?!" He gasped into the receiver, eyes sparkling with hope.

"Nope, sorry! He just ran out the door!" A gruff voice answered. It was the horny trucker from the previous scene. "S'up? I'm Ryu's _lover_-"

"_I will find you and DEVOUR your ORGANS_!" Ken screamed into the phone.

"Dude, kidding. He turned me down. He's way too classy to do something like that."

"I will ask you _nicely_ for your location," Ken corrected himself in a polite tone.

After getting the information, he and Sakura quickly left the mansion and began traveling toward the location via his hot-pink convertible. Sakura squealed in stark terror and clutched her seatbelt as Ken busily applied mascara in the rear-view mirror and drove with his elbows.

"Oh GOD please watch the road!" Sakura shrieked as a car screeched out of the way, horn blaring. "Ten and two! Ten and TWO!"

"Here are some driving tips," Ken told her, touching up his left eye with a little more makeup. "DON'T do what I do…_unless_ you have money."

A cop car suddenly pulled up behind them, lights flashing and siren wailing away. Ken popped open the glove box and withdrew a wad of cash, then tossed it over his shoulder. It smacked the windshield of the cop car and scattered in the wind, the cop immediately slamming on the brake and skidding to the side of the road to retrieve the small fortune.

"What if I'm broke?" Sakura asked weakly.

"Eh, you got tits, don'tcha?"

"Not really."

-With Ryu-

Ryu stood before an abandoned house by the sea-side, the distant surf crashing on the rocky beach. A For-Sale sign hung on the door, the house empty and alone, a rather forlorn mood permeating the air.

"Aww, this house would be _adorable_ with a new paint job and some white trim with prim-rose curtains-" Ryu began before stopping himself. "I mean…_covered in blood."_

"That can be arranged!" A voice laughed from inside the house. Ryu gasped and dodged back just as Maya punched her way through the front door, smashing it to splinters.

"Are you _crazy_?!" Ryu yelled at her in horror. "That was hand-carved _mahogany_-"

"So, how are you feeling, Ryu?" Maya taunted with a cruel smirk, hands on her hips. Ryu stared back at her for a moment before answering.

"…That your hair is _horrendously_ out of style unless you work at Hot Topic, your clothes are last season, and those boots actually make your legs look _shorter_." He blinked several times. "Oh God make it STOP!"

"Bitch _please_ I'm at least an eight!" Maya sniffed, tossing her braid. "I'm here to test your abilities, Ryu. I've known about you for a _long_ time!"

"…You mean I've got ANOTHER stalker?!" Ryu paused thoughtfully. "Eh well at least this one's female."

From his sinister office, the pale man watched the fight from several video feeds, his scientist cohorts surrounding the cliffs and recording the fight between Ryu and Maya.

"_Yes_…" he hissed to himself in satisfaction, "now I shall _finally_ see- oh Godammit not commercials! Son of a- wait it's Billy Mayes." He clapped his hands with delight and sat back to enjoy the Oxy-Clean commercial.

Ryu and Maya's fight had begun, the two warriors trading blows as they danced around the rocks. Maya's punches connected with an extra kick, electricity sparking from her strange gloves. Ryu winced in pain and took a step back, wondering what to do.

"My turn!" Suddenly Cammy butted in (literally, she's there in her skimpy one-piece with no ass), shoving Ryu back and taking his place. At the sight of Maya, her eyes bugged wide and her mouth dropped open in shock. "My God just LOOK at her! She must be the alien QUEEN! It's the only explanation for such a ridiculously outrageous design-"

"Hey!"

"That _would_ explain her hair," Ryu joined in, crossing his arms. "Maybe it's some sort of feeding protuberance-"

"I was thinking it was more of a _probe_-" Cammy argued.

"Alright, that's it!" Maya leapt into the air and FLOATED in place, her specially designed boots keeping her aloft with twin plumes of air. Ryu and Cammy gaped at her some more, astounded by the new, very stupid turn of events.

"Okay, question!" Cammy said aloud, raising her hand. "Can this movie get ANY dumber?"

Yes. Yes it can.

"Godammit."

"_Yaaaah_!" Maya charged forward with a wild cry, and the cat-fight was on. The two girls scuffled back and forth along the rocks, kicking, punching, and pulling each other's braids. Ample crotch-and-titty-shots were used throughout the fight scene, leading up to Maya grabbing hold of Cammy's breast and electrocuting the poor girl, who writhed and screamed in pain. Ryu watched this all with detached interest, glancing down at his own crotch for any reaction.

"…No? Nothing? Really?" He sighed deeply. "MAN I need help."

Maya floated to the ground and placed a heavy boot on the unconscious Cammy's head in triumph, pressing her weight down.

"Come on, fight me!" She baited Ryu, beckoning with a hand. "Make your choice!"

"Could…could you, like, _kiss_ her a little or something?" Ryu begged, still trapped. "Maybe _then_ something'll happen downstairs-"

"What are you, a homo?" Maya snorted.

*_**SNAP**_!*

At those words, all of Ryu's self-control vanished. The Satsui-no-Hadou pounced on the vulnerability and burst forth, swallowing him in a black shroud, the very earth trembling in fear at his terrifying homosexual powers.

"Yes! This is it!" Maya gasped at the awe-inspiring sight. "The Satsui-no-_HadoooOOOHMIGOSH_!"

Ryu was suddenly standing right next to her, his face a mask of fury and violence.

"It's time for 'what not to wear'," he told her in a cold voice. "YOUR FACE."

"…That doesn't even- _OOOF_!" Maya was instantly sent spinning through the air from a powerful blow and slammed to the ground with a grunt, the wind knocked out of her.

"So this is the Satsui-no-Hadou!" The pale man chuckled, leaning in close to the computer screen and rubbing his hands together evilly. "Yesss! Beautiful, just- oh Godammit _another_ commercial! I KNEW I should have upgraded to the premium membership!" He sat back in his chair and pouted for a moment. "Oh well. I guess I'll use this time to apply more lotion." He turned and pumped out more hand cream from the bottle on his desk, then resumed rubbing his hands together and chuckling darkly. "Damn my fingers are chapped."

"What are you, honey, _thirty_?" The dark Ryu sneered, aiming a kick at the woman's head. "Stop dressing like you're thirTEEN! Who designed your outfit? Lady Gaga on crack?!"

"Shit! I'm in trouble!" Maya gasped out, scrambling to dodge Ryu's physical and verbal onslaught of blows.

"Ryu!" Ken and Sakura finally pulled up on the cliffs in the hot-pink convertible, distracting the possessed fighter for several moments. Maya seized her chance to escape and quickly fled, flying through the air with the help of her air-propelled jet-boots. Ken stumbled out of the car and started toward his friend/stalking victim. "Ryu! Are you- HOLY SHIT did you SEE them things?!" He grabbed hold of Sakura and hauled her close, shaking her hard with every word. "I. NEED. THOSE. BOOTS."

"You're…so…gay…san!" Sakura choked out, still being shaken.

"_At least I don't say 'san'_!"

"Not unless _I_ get those boots first!" Dark Ryu snarled, the black shroud around him pulsing with anger. Sakura gasped in horror and hid behind Ken.

"Ryu-san? What…what's WRONG with him? He isn't _normal_!" She sobbed.

"I don't know," Ken replied, studying his friend with concern. "What's that shroud around him? I told you about proper hygiene, Ryu! Shower once a day, for God's sake!"

Ryu had lost interest with the two of them and moved on to the many minions surrounding the area who'd been busy recording the fight. He stormed toward them as they scrambled to escape, and attacked them viciously…

With GLITTER.

"IEEEE! It's in my _eyes_!" One of the scientist's screamed, clawing at his face in vain. "Help me! _Heeeelp_!"

"Ryu, STOP!" Ken demanded. "Dear God, it's even PINK! What is WRONG with you?!" He paused for a moment. "Or should I say _so very right_?"

"We have to stop him!" Sakura cried desperately, close to panic.

"Way ahead of you!" Ken had removed his shirt and was struggling to hop out of his pants. "Okay, we just need some rain or something to make this work- _take me you sexy bastard_!" He tripped over his pants and landed hard, sprawled out on the rocks.

"Nevermind! _I'll_ do it!" Sakura charged past him and went for Ryu. "Ryu! Please, STOP!" She flung her arms around the man and hugged him tight, using her pedophile-powers of underage sexuality to bring him back to his senses. Ryu shuddered and blinked for a moment, returning to himself as the shroud dissipated, then glanced down at Sakura clinging to his middle.

"…How old are you again?" He asked after a moment.

"Aww, he's back to being straight!" Ken huffed and crossed his arms unhappily.

"Ken, why are you naked?"

"Ryu-san! You're okay!" Skura hugged him tighter and smiled with relief.

"…You know saying 'san' doesn't make you Japanese-" Ryu began.

With a thunderous crack, the heavens opened and rain poured down, dousing the fighters in cold sheets of rain.

"Oh, NOW you start, huh?!" Ken yelled, glaring up at the roiling clouds. "Friggin' _asshole_."

***Kra-KOW!***

A bolt of lighting shot forth from a cloud and struck the rock directly next to him.

"EEEEEK! Uh, I mean, I'd do ya! Guys, wait for meeeee!"

-End Part II-


	3. The Ties That Blind: Part 3

Street Fighter

The Ties That Blind

Part III

The fighters had all returned to the Masters' mansion, Chun-Li, Guile and Sakura sitting around in the living room while Ryu stood outside on the patio, unmindful of the slight drizzle. The air inside the house was tense with worry. As everyone waited on the couch, Ken was in the hallway, talking quietly into his phone. After several long moments of hushed conversation, he slowly hung up and returned to the others, his face solemn.

"Well, guys," he sighed, "I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but…we'll have to wait a _whole_ half-hour for our pizza to arrive."

Everyone gaped at him with flabbergasted expressions for a couple seconds.

"Wait, _what_?!" Chun-Li sputtered, sitting up. "Hello? What about _Cammy_?"

"Oh, her?" Ken blinked. "She'll be fine. The doctor told me no vital organs were injured-"

"Except her tits!" Guile cut in.

"Those aren't vital!" Chun-Li snapped, smacking him upside the head and hurting her hand in the process.

"They are for me!"

"I thought you were into men!"

"Am I the only one here who cares about the fucking pizza?" Ken asked bluntly.

"_I_ care!" Sakura piped up, raising a hand.

"You're not getting any!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're a black hole!"

"So, ANYWAY," Guile interrupted and began to explain their situation. "We've managed to get our hands on a research brief detailing a new weapon. The report is addressed to an emerging arms corporation…a corporation called _S-I-N_."

"S-I-N?!" Ken gasped aloud. "Ohmigosh that spells SUN!"

"…No it doesn't," Guile said.

"…Son?"

"No."

"San?"

"Shut up, Sakura!"

"Dear LORD it spells _SIN_!" Chun-Li burst in, losing patience.

"…I would have got it eventually," Ken huffed to himself. "That's just blatantly obvious. Why not just call their corporation 'Bad-Guys INC' or 'ASSHOLE'?"

"Yeah, between this and the BLECE thing, these guys _really_ suck at names-" Chun-Li began.

"Wait, I've heard of this corporation!" Ken realized with a start. "I'm pretty sure their CEO is called…_SETH_."

"What an insidious name!" Guile gasped.

"You're kidding me, right?" Chun-Li stared at them blankly. "He sounds like a mother-fucking _accountant_."

-With Said Mother-Fucking Accountant-

"Ga-_CHOO_!" Seth, the large, pale man from before, sneezed explosively in his evil lair's evil office and wiped his nose with a hand.

"Bless you!" Maya said, standing before her boss's desk with an elderly scientist at her side. The entire office was surrounded by large fish tanks, the exotic creatures swimming about their glass prisons and giving an overall creepy feel to the room.

"Bless you, _my evil master_," Seth corrected her firmly. "Now what was I doing? Oh yes, explaining exactly why Billy Mayes would be our perfect spokesman. You see, not only is he handsome beyond all reason, he-"

"He knows Billy is dead, right?' The elderly scientist whispered to Maya as Seth prattled on. She shook her head sadly.

"I just can't find it in my heart to tell him," she whispered back. Suddenly she noticed the scientist's slouched shoulders and twisted back. "By the way your posture is horrendous. Why don't you stand up straight?"

"I _can't_," the scientist muttered. "Didn't listen to my mother when I was a kid. Now my spine is _molded_ into this shape."

"Don't be silly. Here, let me try-"

*_SNAP_!*

"IEEEE!"

-Back With the Others!-

"So, to dumb it down for the rest of you, specifically Ken," Guile was explaining to everyone as the huddled together on the couches, "once the device created by SIN is miniaturized, it can then be implanted inside subjects and will give that person the powers of the Satsui-no-Hadou."

"You mean…?!" Chun-Li gasped and covered her mouth in horror, Guile nodding in affirmation.

"Yes," he said, his tone completely serious. "They will become _super-humanely gay_."

There was a long, sober silence as everyone digested this information.

"…And what's so bad about that?" Ken finally asked.

"You're living proof, Twinkle-Toes."

"…Thank…you?"

"NOT a compliment."

"So, the missing fighters were used as guinea-pigs for their research," Chun-Li went on, the pieces finally fitting together, "and now they're after Ryu-"

"OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" Ken suddenly exploded, covering his eyes and whimpering. "Seriously, what was the dub team _thinking_?! We've got like a three-second lip delay here! I can't TAKE it! Hurry and change the scene!"

-Aaaand Back With the Bad Guys Again-

"I'm disappointed in you, Maya," Seth growled, glaring over his desk at the woman. "I can't believe you fumbled the interview with Ryu so badly! You didn't even ask him for his references! And where the _hell_ was the eye-contact?!" He sat back in his chair and studied her with an air of menace. "How do you suppose I should deal with this sadness?" He asked dangerously, interlacing his fingers. Maya thought for a moment.

"…Invest in some tanning?" She tried. "Because seriously, you are one pasty son of a-"

"Silence!"

"No, really, it's proven that sunlight and vitamin D have a-"

"ENOUGH!" Seth slammed a huge fist on his desk, nearly cracking it in two. "This is your last chance. How are you planning to get Ryu?"

"Don't worry." Maya smiled with confidence and winked. "Plan B went into effect in any case of failure."

There was a short pause.

"…Gosh, I didn't know you were _pregnant_," Seth said awkwardly, looking flustered. "If I'd known, I wouldn't have been yelling-"

"Sir, I'm _not_ pregnant."

"Well not anymore you're not."

-Now Back to the Good Guys!-

*_Brrrrriing_!*

"Sakura don't you touch that pizza!" Ken barked over his shoulder, picking up the phone. "_What is it_?!"

"Hi, it's Maya! Remember me?" A woman's voice taunted from the other line. Ken scowled deeply as he struggled to recall anyone by that name.

"Are you a man?"

"No."

"Are you gay?"

"No."

"Do you have a penis?"

"Hold on…no."

"Then no, I don't remember you."

"I'm the bitch with the flying shoes."

"YOU!" Ken gasped in recognition and tightened his grip on the phone. "What do you want? You wanna sell them?"

"No, I-"

"Seriously, name your price."

"I'm not interested-"

"I have a Cher in my closet NAME YOUR PRICE."

"We took Eliza," Maya suddenly cut in, her tone deadly serious. Ken blinked.

"…So?"

"She's wearing your favorite sweater."

"The turquoise one with the frills?!" Ken nearly choked in panic. "I swear to God if you shrink it I'll hunt you down and-"

"Cool it!" Maya cut him off. "Now listen up. We're having a little 'party' tonight on a boat, and we want you to-"

"DJ?"

"No."

"Be the male stripper?"

"No!"

"Usher-"

"NO! Just bring Ryu!"

"Why you…" Ken hissed out, his voice thick with loathing. "Casual or classy attire?"

"…What?"

"I just wanna know what kind of shoes I should wear-"

Maya hung up on him.

"Fine! If I show up overdressed then it's YOUR fault, bitch!" Ken shouted into the phone, then hurled it away in disgust.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry, Guile, I thought you were the wall."

"They want Ryu?!" Chun-Li cried after Ken told them about the phone call.

"Well they should pick a number and _get in line_!" Ken snarled and threw himself on the couch, still in a foul mood. "What the hell are we supposed to do?!"

"I'll go." Ryu had come in from the outdoor patio and stood amongst the others, his eyes bright, ready for anything.

"My God…Ryu…you'd do that…for me?" Ken whispered in a soft voice, tears coming to his eyes.

"I'd do anything…" Ryu replied carefully, "...to _get away_ from you. Because I seriously can't trust myself around you with this whole Satsui-no-Hadou thing making me all gay."

"Ryu…I'm so touched," Ken went on. "…And by 'touched', I mean I am _literally_ touching myself as we speak-"

"OKAY TIME TO GO!" Chun-Li interrupted, covering Sakura's eyes.

"I get shot-gun!" Guile squealed and shoved past the others.

-That Night-

That very night, a huge party was held on an enormous, multi-million dollar yacht, minus all the girls and booze and add guns and a shit-ton of guards. So it was one HELL of a party. Somewhere in the belly of the ship, Eliza was trapped in a tiny room with Maya, the former glaring angrily at the latter.

"You _lied_ to me!" Eliza said in a tight voice, her fists clenched at her sides. "This boat does NOT have Wi-Fi!"

"Oh my God, you dumb bitch!" Maya couldn't hold it back anymore. "Don't you get it?! I tricked you and your hubby into finding Ryu for me and I also kidnapped and am now holding you as a hostage!"

"What? No! You wouldn't!" Eliza gasped in disbelief. "We're BFF's! Have these last few years-"

"_Days_."

"-meant _nothing_ to you?!"

"Gee, lemme think." Maya cocked her head and considered for a moment. "…Nope!"

"I don't even KNOW you anymore!" Eliza wailed aloud.

"You never DID!"

Elsewhere on the large boat, Chun-Li and Sakura, all dolled up with lovely dresses and make-up, walked down one of the many luxuriant hallways and approached a pair of guards.

"Hey, who are you two?" One of the guards asked gruffly, moving to block their way. Chun-Li fluttered her eyelashes and smiled at the man.

"We're-"

"Get lost, hag!" The man cut her off. "I was asking this little girl's underage breasts."

"_Hag_?!" Chun-Li's eyes narrowed in rage and it took all of two seconds for her to club the men into unconsciousness with her thunder-thighs. "That'll teach them!" She said smugly, standing over their limp bodies and dusting her hands off as Sakura stood to the side and gaped. "…Now help me write down their names and addresses because we have to put them on the sex-offender list."

"Buh-"

"_I said get their wallets_!"

On the other end of the boat, Ken and Ryu were sneaking aboard, hopping over the rail onto the top deck while keeping a sharp lookout for guards.

"Okay," Ken whispered to Ryu under his breath, "first we need to- _HUUUURGH_!" He suddenly flung his head and shoulders over the railing and heaved violently, vomiting up his last meal. Breathing hard, he clung to the rail and wiped his mouth with an arm. "I… forgot I get sea-sick."

"But _I_ won't," Guile growled dangerously, glaring up at him from the water below in a small raft, his prized hair covered in puke. "I called in a favor to the coast guard – help is on the way. In the meantime…I'll just…go back and…wash my hair or something." With one last murderous glance at Ken, he started up the boat's engine and cruised off into the darkness.

"He's such a tease!" Ken chuckled. "Needs to do something with that _hair_, though. No wonder Bison left him."

"Let's split up," Ryu suggested.

"What? No!" Ken immediately began to argue. "That's a horrible idea! We shouldn't separate!"

"Hmm, yeah, you have a point. It might be best to combine our powers and-"

"Then I won't be able to stare at your sweet ass the whole time! It's _criminal_!"

"…On second thought…bye!" Ryu spun on his heel and ran the fuck away.

Still within the ship, the girls were causing quite a ruckus, beating up guards left and right, distracting them for the men as they snuck around.

"Anyone ELSE think I'm a hag?!" Chun-Li roared as she dislocated a man's shoulder with a sickening pop.

"...Can't the young one beat me up?" One of the guards begged.

"Okay, that's it. We're taking down all your names! ALL of them!"

In several minutes, Ken had managed to become hopelessly lost on the large vessel, but miraculously wound up in the very same holding area as his wife. Maya stood blocking the door and smiled when she saw him approaching.

"Well, well, well," she chuckled. "I suppose-"

"Oh GOD not again! The lip delay's back! Just STOP TALKING!" Ken groaned. "It's like watching Lunar all over again!" He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "I've come for my sweater. Get out of my way!"

"Not gonna happen! You're no match for my _sexy attack_!" Maya winked suggestively and blew a kiss – which had absolutely no effect on Ken. He stared at her blankly, waiting. "What the…?" She paused, then flashed some cleavage. Still nothing. "…What are you, a homo?" She said with a snarl, throwing a punch.

"And _proud_ of it!" Ken declared, easily catching the fist.

"Gay pride! My only weakness! _Hssst_!" Maya hissed and arched her back in fear, then whirled to run away.

"Not so fast!" Ken seized the end of her long braid and reeled her back in.

"Wh-what?!" Maya asked fearfully, eyes wide. Ken glared down at her.

"STRIP."

"Oh dear God. Y…you can't possibly want-"

"BOOTS." Ken held out a hand expectantly. "NOW."

"Oh. Gay. Right."

Several moments later, the door to Eliza's prison burst open and Ken tottered in on the high-heeled boots, fighting to stay upright.

"Baby, I found you!" He cried in jubilation, flinging his arms wide.

"Ken!" Eliza smiled with relief and went to hug her husband. Ken moved toward her, then suddenly grabbed her sweater and whipped it off over her head, hugging it lovingly to his chest and smothering it in kisses.

"Oh thank GOD her titties didn't stretch you out I didn't know what I'd do without you baby-"

"I'm here too, asshole!" Eliza barked, crossing her arms.

"Oh. Right." Ken blinked at her. "Who're you again? My…" He snapped his fingers as he attempted to recall the foreign word.

"Your WIFE."

"Beard, that's it! Come on, let's go!" He turned towards the exit. Eliza caught his hand and shook her head.

"I don't know, Ken," she said nervously. "I don't think I should exert myself like that. I mean…will running…hurt the baby?"

Ken stared at her with undisguised horror, eyes wide and mouth gaping.

"…Alright, _whore_, who the HELL have you been screwing because _I_ sure as HELL didn't put that thing in there!"

"I used artificial insemination!" Eliza explained impatiently. "The baby is yours!"

"Oh." Ken blinked. "…Bye!" And he zoomed away on the jet-boots, leaving Eliza coughing in the smoky aftermath.

Ryu had snuck deep into the ship and now stood in a large theater, complete with red curtains and several rows of audience seats. A harsh stage light shone down from above directly into his eyes.

"Ow GOD it's like the searing rays of ten thousand suns!" Ryu gasped, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. "…Look, I can make a duck!" He turned and began making impromptu shadow puppets, giggling to himself all the while.

"Yes, wonderful!" Seth's voice boomed from below. The large man slowly rose onto the stage, being raised by a hydraulic lift. He'd ditched the suit and was bare-chested, his skin gleaming bone-white like a skull. "That'll be a wonderful adage to your sales pitch! I knew you would-"

*_Bzzzrt_!*

Suddenly the lift juddered to a stop and slammed back down, Seth disappearing below the stage with a cry.

"Ow! What the- what's wrong with this stupid- a malfunction?! Are you kidding- too HEAVY?! How DARE you! I'll have you know that- fine! FINE! I'll just take the damn stairs!" Lots of stomping could be heard as Seth found an alternate means of getting up onto the stage, muttering darkly to himself all the while. Finally he stood opposite Ryu, the two one either end of the stage, like actors in a play. "Now, as I was saying- oh God those lights ARE bright! I can _smell_ my retina's cooking!"

"Wow, you're one pasty bastard," Ryu commented, making a face at Seth's corpse-like complexion. "Maybe a little light would do you some good."

"Oh, how rude, I haven't even introduced myself yet." Seth cleared his throat and set his dark eyes on Ryu. "I…am SETH. The-"

"Wow, Chun-Li was right," Ryu interrupted. "You DO sound like a mother-fucking accountant." He paused, gaping at Seth's strange body in bafflement. "And what is _wrong_ with your body? You look half-robot, half-alien. Seriously, is that a fucking _marble_ in your tummy? Are you even human? How do you FUNCTION?"

"Like THIS," Seth answered testily, and slugged him in the gut.

"…Yeah you function pretty well," Ryu admitted with a groan, doubled over in pain. Seth then proceeded to wipe the floor with Ryu, pounding on his face and ribs with sledgehammer blows. "Okay you've proved your point!" Ryu cried, but the beat-down would not stop. The others finally arrived, Ken along with Chun-Li and Sakura rushing inside the theater and catching sight of the battered fighter.

"Ryu!"

"Oh no, Ryu!"

"Ryu-san!"

"STOP SAYING 'SAN'!" Chun-Li and Ken roared at Sakura.

Seth ignored the intruders and continued opening his can of whup-ass on Ryu, talking to him all the while.

"I'm disappointed in you, Ryu!" He cried between punches. "You are seriously not bringing your A-game to this interview! How on earth do you plan to make sales with _that_ attitude? Or without a _wrist_, for that matter?"

"Without a wha-"

*_Snap_!*

"_AAAUUUUUGH_!" Ryu fell to the ground, clutching his shattered wrist. "_AAA_- oh NOW I get it –_UUUUGH_!"

"Why do you fight against the Satsui-no-Hadou?" Seth continued, hauling Ryu back to his feet. "WHY?"

"Because then I'd be all over that like gravy on biscuits-"

"Ken, shut up!"

"Power means nothing unless it is put into action," Seth went on passionately. "If defines you! Everyone seeks power, and-"

"BOOO! BOOOOO!" Ken and the others were sitting in the audience seats, eating popcorn and hurling insults. "God, your lip delay is even worse than that braid-bitch's!" Ken threw his popcorn down in disgust. "I want my _money_ back!"

"Seriously, wrap it up!" Chun-Li joined in. "We have places to be!"

"Okay FINE just gimme your power!" Seth summed it up, slugging Ryu one last time. The Japanese warrior tumbled back and smashed into the wall, groaning in pain. Despite his injuries, he slowly climbed back to his feet, determined to stay in the battle as long as he could.

"I…I'm not done fighting…" he choked out, raising his fists. "…And I don't run from the power I hold within. I too seek strength…but…it is the courage to strange against evil and emerge victorious and pledge allegiance to the flag of American Idol-"

"Okay, Ryu, we get it!" Ken called impatiently from the seats. "You can kick his ass now!" He paused. "Or make out with him, it's all the same to me."

"Just KILL him!" Sakura cried in exasperation.

"And then Ken," Chun-Li added.

Ryu rolled his eyes and obliged, reaching deep within himself to tame and conquer the fury of the Satsui-no-Hadou. He hunched over, hands together, gathering the incredible power into his palms.

"_Here's_ my answer," he growled as a deep thrumming pierced the air, and Seth retreated a step, uncertainty in his eyes.

"N…no! Wait! STOP!" He cried desperately, but it was far too late. Ryu leveled his gaze at the man and smiled.

"_Time for your makeover_."

"NOOOOOO!"

"_HADOUKEN_!" Magnified by the power of the Satsui-no-Hadou, Ryu's Hadouken shot toward Seth like a blazing comet, blinding everyone with its brilliant rays. The light blasted Seth mercilessly, charring every inch of his body to a nice, toasty brown. As the attack finally faded away, Seth staggered back, gaping at his newly-tanned body and choking.

"Wh…what have you DONE to me?!" He screamed in horror. "My lovely pale skin…RUINED!"

"Shit, talk about even color!" Ken jumped to his feet, waving his arms in the air. "Do me next! _Me_!"

Ryu promptly fell over onto his face and lay unmoving on the stage.

"DIBS!" Ken lunged toward him but was held back by the girls. Seth took his chance and fled, ducking out of the theater and onto the top-deck outside. As he crawled along the walkway toward a lifeboat, dozens of flood-lamps flipped on from the darkness and focused on him.

"No! No more tanning!" He begged, shrinking away from the light.

Guile and his naval buddies had arrived just in time, surrounding the expensive yacht with a small army of boats. Cammy, various body parts bandaged from her scuffle with Maya, leaned heavily on him for support. Guile picked up an intercom radio-box and faced the yacht.

"This is the US Coast Guard!" Guile bawled through the machine at Seth. "You are under- _wow_ that's a really great tan, where did you get it? You have the right to tell me this exact moment! If not, I _will_ appoint you my bitch!"

Cammy suddenly leaned over and snatched the intercom away, bringing it to her mouth as Guile squawked and swatted at her.

"_You're all a bunch of kangaroo-humpin' wallabies_-"

"I'M in charge of the intercom!" Guile snapped, grabbing it back and shoving her off the boat and into the water. "Oh and by the way the doctor said to not get your cast wet-"

The rough chopping of machine blades suddenly interrupted the argument as a sinister black helicopter appeared and lowered toward the boat, throwing down a rope ladder to Seth. He quickly clambered up the dangling ladder as the aircraft began to rise back up into the clouds.

"OMG Bison is that you baby?! Don't leave me!" Guile cried desperately. He dove off his boat and began swimming after the helicopter. "My heart will NOT go on!"

Cammy swam over and grabbed hold of him, the two beginning to wrestle and thrash about in the waters.

"Damn! It's Shadaloo!" Chun-Li said, dashing to the yacht's rail and catching sight of the helicopter.

"It's Shadow-LAW!" A voice called down in annoyance.

"WHATEVER!"

Seth had finally climbed to the top of the rope ladder and hauled himself up into the belly of the helicopter, gasping for breath. Squinting his eyes, he could make out two recognizable figures in the shadow – Balrog, the black boxer, and Vega, the incredibly effeminate matador.

"We bring you a message from Lord Bison," Vega said in an ominous voice, his eyes glinting behind his mask.

"…Couldn't he just have texted me?" Seth asked after a moment.

"Probably," Vega admitted with a shrug. "But it's _sooo_ much cooler this way."

The helicopter disappeared into the dark clouds and flew off towards its evil destination.

"So, wait. What was the message?"

Vega slowly raised his wickedly-sharpened claws and chuckled.

"L…O…L."

"Tell him 'WTF'."

Back onboard the yacht, everyone had returned to the theater and gathered around Ryu, who still lay unconscious on the stage. Ken had been shoved into the back, kept at bay from the vulnerable fighter.

"Just lemme…just lemme _smell_ him a little!" Ken begged, trying to duck past the others. "Come ON! Just gimme _something_ to fantasize with for a couple of years-"

"You…guys…" Ryu groaned, slowly awakening from his stupor. "Did…you see me? I…totally controlled the Satsui-no-Hadou…and I…wasn't gay at all!"

"You were a _little_ bit gay-"

"Ken, seriously, shut up!"

"YOU shut up, bitch!"

-The Next Day-

Chun-Li, Guile, and Cammy stood at the docks, staring out at the abandoned yacht and the empty ocean beyond, where Seth and the Shadaloo agents had disappeared, the answers to the mystery with them.

"Damn…we're right back where we started," Chun-Li sighed, inhaling a lungful of the salty ocean breeze.

"Yeah…now we can't prove any connection between the missing fighters and Shadaloo," Guile joined in sadly.

"But we all know who was _really_ responsible for this," Cammy began.

"I swear to God if you say aliens _one more time_-"

"Don't be daft," Cammy snorted, rolling her eyes. The others relaxed. "It was bigfoot, obviously."

Guile and Chun-Li shoved her off the pier together.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the world, Seth was back to his pale, evil ways. Seated in his new office, he spun around in his chair and coldly pressed the intercom button on his desk.

"Get me…the Sham-Wow guy," he hissed out, eyes narrowed to slits. "…And a latte. Sugar, no cream."

"Yes, sir."

-_Elsewhere_ Elsewhere-

Evening was falling on the city, dark shadows creeping in as an orange sunset lit the sky. Maya sat in her car, talking quietly into her phone. She was reporting in to Shadaloo, feeding them ill-got information like a Russian spy. She quickly wrapped up the report and ended the call, sitting back and taking a deep breath. After a moment, she dialed another number and waited for them to pick up.

"Hey, it's me," she said once they did. "I have those assholes _totally_ fooled. They _actually_ think that I'm one of them. Seriously, how _retarded_-"

"Maya. It's us. Shadaloo," the voice said over the phone. Maya blinked. A long, uncomfortable silence passed between them. "…What was that about-"

"Oh, I punk'd you SO good!" Maya burst out, forcing herself to laugh. "Got you!"

"Oh, you GOT us, girl!" The person on the phone laughed along. "And here we were about to hunt you down and skin you alive. You are SO bad!"

They laughed together for a couple more seconds before Maya snapped her phone closed and hurled it into the backseat.

"SAVED it!" She breathed out a sigh and slumped in her chair. "I have GOT to get another phone. Being a double agent, you really need two."

-With Ryu and Ken-

Okay, everyone. Time for the gayest ending EVER. They pretty much dance a ballet and fart butterflies. Here we go. Ryu and Ken were in the middle of saying their goodbyes, standing together in a large field of wild flowers.

"I guess this is goodbye," Ryu said with a surprising trace of sadness. He smiled at his friend with true gratitude. "Thanks for everything, Ken."

"Why do you have to _leave_, Ryu?!" Ken sobbed inconsolably. "You're the love of my life, the reason I exist, the-"

"I'm right here!" Eliza cut in, standing right next to him and scowling.

"I'm TALKING, bitch!" Ken growled, then snapped his gaze back to Ryu. "…Do you want me to kill her for you? Because I will. I WILL."

"No, Ken," Ryu said hurriedly before he could move. "I have to leave…to train." He paused for a moment. "…And get the fuck away from you. But don't worry, I'm sure we'll meet again."

"Oh, we will, I _guarantee_ it!" Ken replied with a wink. Ryu frowned, not understanding. "…Because I implanted a tracking chip in you while you were unconscious-"

"OKAY I get it goodbye!" Ryu whirled about and began to hurry away, casting wary glances over his shoulder every couple of seconds.

"_You can run but you can't_-"

Ryu burst into a full sprint, dashing for the woods like an animal being hunted.

…Which he was.

-End Part III-


End file.
